Pastoral Reflections on Marriage: Part 3

*Posted by Everett Berry. For the first two posts in this series, click here and here.

In my previous two posts, I discussed some criteria that I developed as a pastor when determining whether to participate in an eager couple’s wedding. The first three concerns included whether the two lovebirds were believers or not, were they currently active sexually, and were they willing to engage in several sessions of pre-marital counseling. Now in this segment, I want to briefly discuss the last two concerns which I expressed when considering a couple’s request to help them tie the knot.

Question #4: Is there any divorce in your past? At the outset here, I recognize a delicate question like this spawns a litany of others in our day. There are exegetical issues such as whether there are biblical grounds for divorce and if there are, what are they. Likewise there are a myriad of practical questions that arise because divorcees can have very complicated pasts and it can seem extremely arbitrary to try to adjudicate between situations which are acceptable and those that are not. Also as an aside, I have the upmost respect for pastors and other Christian leaders who believe Scripture gives no warrant for divorce and remarriage. While I disagree with their interpretations of certain biblical texts, I emphatically support their commitment to the sacred nature of the marriage covenant.

That being said though, I want to mention my discovery of a few possible knots that would require being untied before considering marrying a couple where a former divorce(s) was involved. To start, I would want to ask what the cause(s) was for any past divorce. Did it occur before the one or both members of the couple were believers? Was the divorce the result of something for which they were responsible such as adultery, abuse, or abandonment? Or were they victims of such circumstances? All of these issues needed to be clarified to find out if healing has occurred or whether past bitterness is overflowing into the present relationship. Also there are some situations where divorcees wanted to remarry but there was still a real possibility of reconciliation potentially occurring with their previous spouses. Now to be honest in my experience, often this scenario was the exception rather than the rule because a previous ex was remarried or in dire circumstances which mitigated against any feasible reunion. However on occasion, it was surprisingly the case that forgiveness and the possible healing of a previous marriage were theoretically plausible but considered out of the question in the minds of some divorcees. This was problematic for me as a pastor and I would always let couples know that if they deemed forgiveness from a previous marriage as always out of the question, then why would they feel differently in a future relationship. And furthermore, this reality check ultimately led me to propose one more inquiry to couples.

Question #5: Would you be willing to let your local church intercede in the event of a possible divorce? Of all the questions I ever posed to couples about marriage, this one always stood out as the most awkward and even puzzling one. The reason I would ask it though is because I believe marriage is ordained by God in order to fulfill tasks that he has established; some of those being procreation, companionship, intimacy, worship, and also to create a context where the gospel is proclaimed through the union that takes place. What this means then is that marriage is not only about a couple getting what they want personally as individuals. It is about a couple living together in such a way that they achieve certain ends for God’s glory which cannot be achieved if they remain single. As a quick sidebar, the reverse situation is true as well. Singles are enabled to serve God in liberated ways that they may lose if they were married. All in all then, my point is that singleness and marriage exist for the furtherance of the church’s mission, not just individual plans and desires. So back to the original point, if a couple is not willing for the church to intervene to help them in severe circumstances that may threaten their marriage in the future , then why would they want a pastor or church to be involved in the present. In other words, many couples want to go to the church to get married, but if divorce becomes a possible consideration then they will just go to Caesar for help. And this attitude is exactly what needs to be abandoned in order to understand the biblical fabric that holds a Christian view of marriage together.