*Posted by Kirk Spencer
We Americans, we get to choose our weasels. Of course the weasel is always the “other guy.” But in a two-party system, there are two sides and so there are two weasels. So, in our electing, we must choose the lesser of two weasels (the one who is the less weaselly weasel). To do this we must find the differences between the two weasels. Some of the differences are important like: “Is it worse to have dog on the roof of your car or on the roof of your mouth?” Others are less important like: “Who is the most likable weasel?” Then there are all the other boring things like the economy, and national defense, and foreign policy—blah, blah, blah.
We choose the lesser of our two weasels through an indirect popular election. I say “indirect” because we don’t actually choose our weasel; rather we choose other weasels, called “electors,” who then vote to elect the real weasel. Originally the elector weasels were well respected wise weasels in the community chosen by the “un-informed” to inform themselves and vote wisely for all those who chose them as electors. Of course now, with all the partying weasels of the party-system, the elector weasels are selected by the weasel parties and they just vote the party-line. So the whole weaselly elector-system does not serve this part of its original purpose, but it does give the weasels in smaller states more power than their population would require in a strict direct election; and it spreads out power so that the more populous regions (such as weasel cities) cannot dominate the political elective process, though weasel cities can do this in many other ways. The Elector-Weasel System also allows those weasel states which just can’t seem to make up their weaselly minds—the undecided, purple, swinging, fence-sitting, battle-ground weasel states—to get all the attention and almost all the weasel-electing power. But all this is probably just due to a necessary weasel in the system.
The whole elector -weasel idea goes back to the founding weasels who probably feared that a direct popular election would include a significant number of voters who knew absolutely nothing about the weasel candidates or the issues (and didn’t care to know). And such an uninformed electorate would be easy prey for weaselly charlatans and demogogues who would play upon their ignorance and prejudice and lead them in a lemming-like, pied-piperish mob vote where these weaselly weasogogues could entrench themselves into positions of power by rubbing whiskers with other well-heeled, tailored suit wearing, dependency-peddling weasels. They would all fly together with their carpet-bag carry-ons, mixing business with pleasure. All the privileged industries (crony capitalists and organized labor) and indoctrinated elite constituencies (higher education and Hollywood) would gladly donate their money, prestige and brands with the understood expected reciprocity such donations would elicit, all to advance their quasi-illicit agendas and ideologies. And once power is achieved, weasels in power will use kickbacks to their patron weasels to buy continued loyalty; and, in their loyalty, they will in turn kick back some of the kickback money into re-election of the very weasels who directed the money to them in the first place. And so, by such weaselly reciprocity, the political pump is primed, so to speak, until taxation, fees and penalties flow exponentially with enough money to buy what every weasogogue could want (with fame and power to boot)—but not the power of the vote. However, with continued re-election, over-and-over, gradually taking more and more from the over-privileged and giving it to the underprivileged (and the children) and then, while no one is looking (for Weasel Washington is a long way off), the weasogogues will use most of what they have taken to buy their way into entrenched power where they can ensnare a voting majority into becoming dependent on government allowing this dependent popular majority vote to be used, at will, to vote land for the un-landed and pay for those that refuse to work—and anything else they wished, like control of the education system and healthcare—and all this by perpetually indenturing anyone who produces wealth through taxation and regulation, spreading the wealth around until wealth-makers refuse to continue to make wealth, and until the majority of the popular voting population realizes that government doesn’t make money it takes money, and so when all the money is taken (or the “makers” stop making), then the economy slowly and painfully grinds to a halt, bringing a fiscal cliff ever closer; and, if the inertia of ignorance and irresponsibility is large enough and continues long enough, a lemming-leap of weasels will occur… That’s what the founding weasels feared.
“But like that’s gonna happen! That’s just something that weasels use to scare other weasels into voting for their weasel.” So says the newly evolved American weasel (Mustela nigripes).
The Greater American Weasel
The American Weasel is experiencing convergent evolution with the European weasel, especially the Lemming-like Greek weasel who has just recently taken a nose-dive over the fiscal cliff—with much squealing. This convergent evolution is causing the appearance of the Greater American Weasel (Mustela nigripes gigantus). This subspecies is naturally quick and cleaver and always interested in shake-ups and the necessary cover-ups that follow as this species is often known to attack its prey underground in their homes. And The Greater American Weasel is very “twitchy,” and they molt—they molt ideas (This is especially true of the Greater American Pander Weasel). This habit allows the Greater American Weasel to blend in with their surroundings from season to season and from red state to blue state. For instance the Greater American Weasel will flip-flop a lot (however to be a “flip-flopping” weasel there must first be an original position from which the weasel flips and then flop back to the original position. If a particular weasel only flips and does not flop back, then that weasel is only a “flipping” weasel not a “flip-flopping” weasel.) The Greater American Weasels will also often molt stories—shaking and erasing their spots and changing their stripes like an etch-a-sketch. They are also known to change the stars (which represent states) on the old “stars and stripes,” into the big “0” (that’s a zero). Such chameleon-like behavior is a crafty defense mechanism very common in the natural world. However, the greater of the Greater American Weasels can even modulate their speech patterns to sound like whatever weasel crowd their speaking before, even using expertly performed pre-learned foreign weasel phrases with correct, if a bit exaggerated, native inflection (see here, here, here and here). And the greatest of the Greater American Weasels can even distract their prey to an extent that all deficiencies are ignored simply by telling a convincing and inspiring story about how the only mistake they have made is not telling a good enough story to convince and inspire. This is only one example of a somewhat common aspect of Greater American Weasel: Their words are often spoken without being anchored in any achievement what-so-ever, either previous or future. The words serve only one purpose—to convince and inspire—that is to manipulate (here and here). More promises are constantly being offered before the first are accomplished as a weaselly distraction from the fact that they are not going to be accomplished, because they were never meant to be accomplished. The greatest of the Greater American Weasel is all talk and no planning… and certainly no action.
Because the Greater American Weasel considers itself great, they must always be the most important weasel in the room. The Greater American Weasel cannot stand for a running-mate to get ten million votes, if they one get a million. And like Neotoma bunkeri (the common Pack-Rat), The Greater American Weasel is very efficient at finding things. For instance they can find lost ballots during recounts (and they can lose them too). They can also find “new-jobs-created.” As a matter of fact, recently a group of weasels just happened to find many “new-jobs-created” that had previously been overlooked. And, as might be expected, it was just enough “new-jobs-created” to change a “net-job-loser” into a “net-job-creator.” And all this just before the election! It might sound a little twitchy, but I’m sure there’s a story to explain it sufficiently as to convince and inspire us into continuing our hope in the promised change—for weasel “change” always must be for the better. Oh, and it should be mentioned that the Greater American Weasels can also find almost any expected number of “net-jobs-saved.”
The Greater American Weasel is very adept at spending money—especially other weasel’s money. And once they have spent all the money taken, they will then borrow money on credit for their little lesser weasels to pay off (if they stay lesser weasels—when the little lesser weasels become Greater American Weasels they will instinctually continue the behavior pattern of their parents). After spending all the taken and borrowed money, the Greater American Weasel will even print its own money; and with all this new money, Weasel Washington will grow green. It will become a true Emerald City with its own wizard, with his own weasel secrets. Allied foreign weasel leaders will often seek audience with the wizard, where they are left waiting in the west wings while the wizard spends time with Woopie and discusses his waistline with Letterman; and all the while, the waistline of Weasel Washington booms as the rest of the country goes bust (here and here). A boring and complex foreign policy no-show, so that our leader can attend and exciting popular side-show, in hopes of maybe winning back his past popular vote. The Letterman show also gave us this to think about: If a promise is made to cut the deficit in half in the first four years and then four years later the deficit has doubled, something is wrong with policy. However, if after four years of the nation’s greatest spending-spree, the one who made the promise to cut the deficit in half and then doubled it, the one who has more control over national debt than any other single person, if that person says he does not even know what the national debt is, it is no longer just that something is wrong with policy. And if someone defends him by saying he knew what the debt was, he just did not want to advertise it, then we have moved from incompetence to something else. And it is at this point we should decide whether we are weasels or are we lemming headed toward an inevitable fiscal cliff? We must decide if we want to continue “FORWARD!” with such embarrassing numbers and the absurd “new normal” of no budget.
The Greater American Weasels can be caught in private moments with their “pelts down” (no not that weasel!). This applies to words spoken “off mic” which are really not “off mic.” For instance one might speak of how weasels vote for their meal ticket and another will mention that weasels are more flexible after the election than before. It also often happens that the Greater American Weasel is infested with poll weevils. Poll weevils will intentionally distort reality by being very selective in sampling, especially oversampling certain friendly demographics based upon such things as “expected-voter-turnout” (here and here). Infestations of poll weevils can cause American Weasels to begin hitting each other over the head with weevil polls, thinking that their enemies will take their advice and “just give up.” It is a very strange behavior pattern—especially considering that their weasels are still campaigning like crazy in the states that poll weevils say have already been decided.
“Obsequious” is derived from “ob” meaning “after” + “sequi” meaning “to follow.” Obsequious weasels often pretend to be leaders but in reality they are followers. Obsequious weasels respond to acts of obvious aggression by obsequiously telling somewhat convincing and inspiring stories about how all this occurred because of almost anything other than something that would require the Obsequious Weasel to take responsibility and do something. Instead misinformation is repeated so many times that it becomes a type of folk-history that can be used to great effect to avoid taking responsibility (although the folk history of “It’s the Bush Weasel’s fault” is a bit threadbare). In it all, there are a lot of “we wants” but no plans and certainly no action—only a series of inspirational and convincing visions—fine appearances but no substance. The inspirational and convincing stories may even require the ignoring of very clear and specific facts such as movie critics don’t bring ordnance to their rallies and they don’t wait for months after the film’s debut, until the very day of a famous terrorist attack to decide to “rally.” As a new variant, Obsequious Weasels, can require a change in common and instinctual sense where the American Weasel population would be required to believe that cerebrating a dead body in the street while shouting “God is Great!” is a foreign weasel way of “carrying them to the hospital.” Obsequious Weasels would also require that certain ideals, such as “free speech,” must be given up, or at least disparaged, just to appease aggressive foreign weasels.
Speaking of freedom of expression, it should be noted that the announcements of the Obsequious Weasel will take place in a Press “Conference” Room, where no conference will take place. No questions will be allowed such as “why was there no security” and “does the success of the attack have anything to do with the fact that the top leader has been missing more than half his PDBs (daily security briefings).” One question did escape however. This question: “Is this an act of war?” but it bounces off the leaders back as he leaves the “conference” room. That question had already been answered by at least three top leaders: “It was not an act of war, it was just an act of film-critique that got out of hand.” A leader who’s “Foreign Policy Reset,” involves bowing before foreign weasel leaders, apologizing for American weasel history and sitting down to “talk” with hardened terrorist tyrant weasels, might be expected to exhibit a certain obsequity. And a leader who carelessly violates freedom of conscience with a law that says he “cares” might be excused from devaluing free-speech rights; and also only allowing questions, and even admitting audience, with only the most sycophantic and no others. And then, to cover the fact that these behavior patterns have in essence ended any conversation, obsequious weasels will begin calling their actions a “conversation.”
In choosing the lesser of two weasels, it is not so much how they treat dogs or their likability, but rather distinguishing the quality of policy (decisions) and the quality of leadership (character). It is also about distinguishing the moral quality of the choices and the choice. The founding weasels understood this. They even said that our constitution as a country presupposes these specific kind of choices:
“Our Constitution was made only for a moral and religious people. It is wholly inadequate to the government of any other.”
~ John Adams
So in our choosing, we must choose morally and wisely. If we can no longer do that, then the constitution will fail and the country will change into something else—or maybe it already has.
We weasels must look beyond what might be of benefit to us, or even our “side.” We must exercise our weasel rights and recognize what is weaselly and what is not. We weasels should vote. However, we should never put our hope in a vision that we can change ourselves through the force of federalism or the force of law—even constitutional law. Hasn’t it become clear that these things only make weasels even more weaselly… And even if the perfect “weasel” came, even if “perfection” were on the ticket, and God Himself became a weasel—because we are weasels—we would certainly see the perfect Weasel as too much of a Dove or too much of a Hawk. And we would complain about His stance on taxation (Mark 12:13-17). And His messaging on cannibalism would certainly lose him the news cycle and the popular vote (John 6:53-69). But God did not become a Weasel for political reasons. For our weasel problem is not political, but spiritual. We weasels need a scape-Goat.
“For all we, like weasels, have gone astray. Each one of us has turned to his own weasel and so… we will weasel our way out of what we know we should be doing, just for our own weaselly glory. But the iniquity of all weasels will fall on the Sheep silent before His shearers, the Lamb led to slaughter.”
~ from the New American Weasel Version
It is true that the real problems can’t be solved from inside Weasel Washington because it’s full of weasels; and the problems can’t be solved from outside Weasel Washington because there are even more weasels there… the problem must be solved by turning each weasel inside-out so that we see our weaselly inside and give it to our Creator who can deweasel us—eventually. But until then, we still must vote and in our indirect popular electing we must try our best, as weasels, to choose the lesser of two weasels.